This is the season of deep feeling; listening and grieving. Our culture is so set on keeping us distracted with noise after noise. Noise is anything around us that keeps our biology from living fully; at least that is what I mean when I use this word.
During the cold months we are taken indoors, by the cold. We are encouraged because of that, to deal with the things in our space, that we have perhaps been neglecting during all the other seasons. And this brings us deep into this feeling realm.
We are called to feel, potently this time of year, and very often, our own backed up feelings being processed along with the endless obligatory activities of the winter season in the modern world; create much distress on our systems and short circuit our bodies.
This looks like sickness after sickness and a whole host of bodily ailments that keep us feeling deep fatigue.
Funnily enough, because it is also a season of deep listening, if we do not find the space to listen, it is the very sicknesses that we experience that often gives us the space to listen more closely.
When we are on our backs, we tend to listen better. Down for the count, we now have time to listen.
And lastly, when we do listen, we find often that there are still pieces and parts of our lives that we have yet to grieve.
I recently shared in my newsletter about some grief that I have been moving through this year. It feels deep and heavy and the worst of it seems to be over for now. But, it would not surprise me if it resurfaces in the future to once again shed another layer of it. Because that is how grief moves through the human; in layers, in seasons.
Last year, I held a grief ceremony and masterclass. And at the time, the weight of all the world was what my body needed to grieve. But this year, I put those tools to practice and grieved my own personal things again.
Grief can cripple us if we let it go too long. The rage we feel about lack of support as women and mothers, this is grief. The anger we feel at younger versions of ourselves, this too is grief. The unforgiveness we hold towards family members, this is grief. The unjust feelings we hold, because we did not get the promotion we had worked so hard for, this is grief. The bitterness from "our lot in life", this is grief.
And this time of year, the earth literally calls us inward and points us to a slower pace; inviting us to fully feel, listen for how to proceed with those feelings and to grieve them.
Grief is an essential part of being human. And it is really only our modern cultural constructs that have segmented it out of our ever day affairs. Grief, can be held along with joy, every single day. But, it does not happen overnight. It is a slow and steady unlearning that has to take place, for most of us.
Including me.
I often get asked about my journey with grief. And it started long ago. As a soul that experienced trauma early on in life, I realized that I had some work to do within my soul and so, in high school, I began that journey of unpacking and grieving the parts of me that were lost, unrecognized and abandon. Then in college, I got engaged and two weeks before my wedding, it fell apart. I returned home to grieve. And grieve I did, for a full 4 months, through the winter months. There was nothing else I could do. Then once again, that following spring, I lost a friend sudden and very unexpectedly. (I was literally at the EMS when the call came in, taking CPR lessons; and that cracked me hard.) And, into grief I went again. And it became a familiar experience. Grief became a friend that tethered me to my own humanity. It became a gift of sorts for my soul, to mourn the losses that I was experiencing.
But that only happened because my mentor through it all, helped and supported me with tools to navigate grief.
We need the tools to grieve. Yes, but what follows the tools and the grieving is just as integral to the grieving as all the other pieces.
This is what my mentor taught me: one of the most important parts of properly grieving is the after care. Yes, letting the grief flow through us and practicing rituals to help us move the grief through us until complete and holding ceremony with ourselves and others is also essential parts of grieving, but so is the aftercare.
The summer following those major back to back losses for me as a young person; my mentor encouraged me to take some time for my soul to nourish it in the ways that only I knew it needed. Aka. Do something you want to do, that will better your life; invest in you.
So, I booked a flight and flew across an ocean by myself, to after care. I spent two weeks in the country sides of the United Kingdom. Listening to what my body needed and investing in my soul. It was a very special time for me. And it is the biggest reason, I think I no longer fear grief.
Because of the aftercare.
In the aftercare, you find gratitude. You find balance and you return to being able to see the joy in every day again, even through the heavy heart that still may have some grieving to do.
This is where the joy returning comes into play. In the aftercare is where you learn to hold the grief and the joy at the same time. And it really is a slow learning process and it happens again and again with every loss you grieve.
One of the biggest pillars of my work with women is all about constantly nourishing ourselves. And when I say this, I do not mean you go out and purchase a new wardrobe or get your nails done. I mean that you tend faithfully to the parts are you that need tending.
That means, every part of you. And you do it with intention of nourishing and supporting your future self. You may not care today. You may not care to take care of your body and mind today; but future you, will need that. So, who is responsible to provide that presence to move grief? Who is responsible to listen to what your soul needs? Who is responsible to grieve? Who is responsible to complete the aftercare?
All of those answers are you. It’s all you. Only you can do it for yourself.
This is why, every single part of what I do, revolves around intense devotion to nourishment.
Especially as women and mothers. Our nervous systems are literally wired to pick up on and carry all the grief around us and if we are not proactive in transmuting that and releasing it; it is only us who suffers in the future.
In the past two weeks, I have spent tender time with three different women who have been impacted personally by grief. Choosing presence with each other during times of grief is such an important piece of the picture also. I find it necessary, to stop and do what the ancient texts say: “Mourn with those who mourn and weep with those who weep.” Not just because this is what I would want done to me, but because this is how we be human. (That was intentional, I didn't grammar wrong.)
It is essential as humans to allow energy to flow through us. Because we are conduits of energy. Our bodies are designed to move energy, around us, through us and into us to be transmuted and remade into a different iteration of love. When we are disconnected from this truth and allow energy to get stuck in our bodies, we find an unwell future especially if left untended.
Living in a body that lets energy flow to it, through it, around it and with it, is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.
To not dam it.
To not dam the grief, but to listen to it, seek it out and tend to it, until our souls feel mended, until the energy no longer flows. Until we can take a breath with out a sharp pain. This is how we transmute it. This is how our grief becomes our gold.
So, if you are looking for a rich holiday experience, perhaps it is sitting with your grief, and listening to every thing your body is speaking to you and fully moving through the energies until they have moved through you. And therein, you will have made a gift greater than even gold, for your soul.